About Me
I am a distinguished practitioner of investigative disambiguation, specializing in the systematic deconstruction of seemingly supernatural phenomena. My methodology involves traversing dimly-lit corridors, engaging in strategic retreats from spectral apparitions, and ultimately revealing that the ghost was, in fact, Old Man Jenkins in a rubber mask.
My consultancy services extend to comprehensive snack acquisition during high-stakes paranormal encounters, the artful splitting of investigative parties despite all evidence suggesting this is inadvisable, and the theatrical unmasking of disgruntled real estate developers. I have collaborated extensively with a Great Dane of considerable appetite and questionable bravery, and together we have solved precisely zero mysteries that turned out to be actually supernatural.
What I'm Doing
Mask Removal Consulting
Expert identification and theatrical unmasking of villains disguised as ghosts, monsters, and assorted ghouls.
Strategic Retreat Planning
Comprehensive running-away solutions featuring classic "legs spinning in place" methodology before actual fleeing commences.
Snack Logistics
Acquisition and distribution of comically oversized sandwiches during moments of existential terror.
Trap Architecture
Design and implementation of elaborate contraptions that somehow work despite defying all known physics.
Testimonials
Old Man Jenkins
I would have gotten away with it too, if it were not for Jan and that meddling dog. Their investigative acumen is truly unparalleled, which I say with great bitterness.
The Swamp Monster (Actually Dave)
Jan exposed my elaborate scheme to scare people away from the abandoned amusement park. Their attention to detail in noticing my zipper was remarkable.
Headless Horseman (Gerald)
A consummate professional. Jan saw right through my pumpkin-based deception. My real estate development plans are now in tatters. Five stars.
A Very Hungry Great Dane
Rould rork rith ragain. Rexcellent rat rroviding Rcooby Rnacks. Ren rout of ren.
Old Man Jenkins
I would have gotten away with it too, if it were not for Jan and that meddling dog. Their investigative acumen is truly unparalleled, which I say with great bitterness.
The Swamp Monster (Actually Dave)
Jan exposed my elaborate scheme to scare people away from the abandoned amusement park. Their attention to detail in noticing my zipper was remarkable.
Headless Horseman (Gerald)
A consummate professional. Jan saw right through my pumpkin-based deception. My real estate development plans are now in tatters. Five stars.
A Very Hungry Great Dane
Rould rork rith ragain. Rexcellent rat rroviding Rcooby Rnacks. Ren rout of ren.
Clients
